2bneil

From A Loving Mother

2bneil — Thu, 17 May 2012 17:47:37 GMT

Attatchment Politics

2bneil — Mon, 14 May 2012 16:50:40 GMT

Pinhead Of The Day

2bneil — Thu, 10 May 2012 13:59:13 GMT

Man Attempts A Robbery At A Police Station

WILMER, Texas (UPI) -- A man remains in a Texas jail after allegedly attempting to hold up a police station, a report said.

Police said Keithan Manuel, 18, entered the Police Department building in Wilmer, Texas, near Dallas, Saturday evening with a towel covering his hands and a demand for money.

"A young man walked into the lobby and approached the dispatch window and told our communications officer, 'Give me all your money,'" is how Police Chief Victor Kemp described the incident.

Manuel did not have a weapon, but dispatcher Patrice Hughey said Manuel told her, "You know I have a gun, right?"

"She called for officers immediately. The officers arrived and were able to take him down at gunpoint," Kemp said.

Manuel, in Dallas County Jail on several charges, including burglary, claims he visited the police station seeking information on a warrant, and was joking about the holdup, telling KTVT-TV, Dallas-Fort Worth, "I play like that all the time. I didn't think she would take it seriously."

"You hear of those world's dumbest criminals every once in a while but you never think it's going to happen in your city," Kemp said.

Remember These?

2bneil — Thu, 10 May 2012 13:34:47 GMT

Age Barometer

Total the number of these that you remember:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older.

If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age.

If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!.

Things I Learned In College

2bneil — Tue, 08 May 2012 17:13:36 GMT

Golf Ball + Tennis Racquet + Indoor Hallway = Awesome!

No toilet paper, no paper towels... got coffee filters?

You can make pizza with Bisquick and spaghetti.

You can make a screwdriver with Gatorade. It will not be very good.

It is possible to snort instant coffee. It is not a good idea.

If you get stoned and stare at the TV for hours people will make fun of you if it's not turned on.

A crossbow bolt will go completely through drywall.

How to patch drywall.

Yes, there are mermaids in Weeki Wachee Springs, but you cannot get there by canoe.

If you're going to jump the fence to get into Busch Gardens, you should know where they keep the lions.

"Kinda" good at nunchucks is not good enough to avoid serious head injury.

Threatening someone with a hammer just one time will forever earn you the nickname "Thor".

It is possible to steal furniture from the study lounge if you wear a mask and cape.

The value of study lounge furniture is highly overstated on police reports.

If you have access to three sets of identical twins, you can make someone think they've gone crazy.

You can survive a week on a loaf of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.

Uncooked lime jello can be used as a popcorn seasoning.

It doesn't matter how much tequila you've had, you cannot catch a duck.
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If You Love Something Variations

2bneil — Sun, 06 May 2012 18:26:12 GMT

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

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The Book of Political Life

2bneil — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 13:49:00 GMT

Today's reading is from the Book of Political Life,
Chapter 1, verses 1-15:
1. In the beginning was the Plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions.
3. And the Assumptions were without form.
4. And the Plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Voters.
6. And the Voters spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
7. And the Voters went unto their Members of Parliament and said, "It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell."
8. And the Members of Parliament went unto their Party saying, "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
9. And the Party went unto the Cabinet Ministers, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
10. And the Cabinet Ministers spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
11. And the Cabinet Ministers went to the Deputy Prime Minister, saying unto him, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
12. And the Deputy Prime Minister went to the Prime Minister, saying unto him, "It has very powerful effects."
13. And the Prime Minister looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.
15. And that is how crap happens.

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Punography

2bneil — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 14:57:39 GMT

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer.

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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Shape of Sound

2bneil — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 14:51:21 GMT

The shape of sound demonstrated with salt. The plane is vibrated at specific frequency. The waves travel across the plane and at some places they add together and at other places they cancel out. Where they cancel out the salt sticks because there is no vibrations and at other places it just gets vibrated away.

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The Little Red Hen [version 2012]

2bneil — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 18:48:32 GMT

"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and ripened.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Liberals smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?
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