If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep... You are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace... You are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.
If you woke up this morning with good health you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle unfolding all around you, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of persecution, harassment, arrest, torture, or death... You are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
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At this time of year, there are northerners from places
other than Canada trying to mix in in Florida.
You will have to be extra vigilant.
There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that
someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a
Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully
note their reaction:
"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of
C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the
muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke
out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And
then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave
me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only
in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie,
he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit
disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Chimo!"
If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically,
they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a
blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have
them reported to the authorities at once.
The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19
different Canadianisms. In order:
pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the
government for not working.
mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey,
on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze,
which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through
and through.)
C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused
with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.
beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for
Canadians.
skidoo: Self-propelled tracked decapitation unit for
teenagers.
muskeg: Boggy swampland.
duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of
inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist
while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy;
metaphor for Canada's french and english.
deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through
skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in
exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning,
"My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity
employing misdirection and guile."
chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the
Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary
but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of
Calgarians.
Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of
heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)
snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky
manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of
"did sneak." (We think.)
ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by
its inconspicuousness.
impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun
and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of
"impaired" being "pissed to the gills").
S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white
cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large
superfluous flap in the front. And back!
toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about
the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.
chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive;
constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip
on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)
shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur.
According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the
Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly
Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy
and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do
fine.)
Chimo!: The last sound heard before a Canadian falls over
and passes out!
EH!
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When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.
He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."
So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!
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The Committee to Prevent Useful Idiots From Being Elected supports this video
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On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine
On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Canada? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
generation to generation, states...
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to dismount."
However, in modern corporations, education and government, a
whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed,
such as:
1. Buying a bigger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead
horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all
horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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This year, I resolve to...
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Don't have eight children at once.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Don't eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends.
Get more toys.
Get further in debt.
Don't believe politicians.
Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
Avoid transmission of interspecies diseases.
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
Stay off the International Space Station.
Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.
Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Avenge yourself live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
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