I got stopped for speeding yesterday!
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
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UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then.
So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er .. .......
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific..
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ........... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant
(Long pause) : -- Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... ..... ..
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
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"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 BCE
Evidently nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]]>
I got stopped for speeding yesterday!
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
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I will vote Liberal because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my dog.
I will vote Liberal because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.
I will vote Liberal because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
I will vote Liberal because Freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
I will vote Liberal because when we pull out of Afghanistan I trust that the bad guys will stop what they are doing because they now think we are good people..
I will vote Liberal because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves that break into my house.
I will vote Liberal because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
I will vote Liberal because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we never have the death penalty.
I will vote Liberal because I think all refugees have a right to free health care, education, and Employment Insurance benefits.
I will vote Liberal because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Liberals see fit.
I will vote Liberal because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite our laws every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
I will vote Liberal because my head is so firmly planted up my butt that it is unlikely I'll ever have another point of view.
Remember John Wayne saying:
"Life's tough - It's even tougher if you're stupid."
RE-ELECT NO-ONE
Have a Great Day
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Mayor Gets Prison For Stealing Lingerie
PRESTON, England (UPI)
The mayor of a small coastal town in northern England has been sentenced to two years in prison for stealing women's underwear.
Ian Stafford, 59, mayor of Preesall and Knott End in Lancashire, pleaded guilty to four counts of breaking and entering, the Daily Mail reported.
"I feel deeply ashamed at the whole scenario because I have hurt people who have been excellent friends -- I could not wish for better," Stafford said. "I wish I had said something to someone earlier. I am not proud of any of this, I am sickened. I wish I could turn the clock back."
Stafford, a bachelor, worked as a handyman in Knott End-on-Sea, a small town on Morecambe Bay. He had keys to many of the houses in town.
Investigators say he was caught on videotape stripped to the waist, taking underwear out of drawers and using it for sexual acts. Police said they found more than $1,000 worth of lingerie in his home, some of it stored in bags labeled with the names of the original owners.
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This little animal is called the Naked
Mole Rat and is from North Africa
So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:
You could look like a penis with buck teeth. ]]>
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked,
Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
So," the coach continued, "I am sure you know, when a penalty is called, you should not argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it? Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother..."
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Sounds like a nice holiday destination!
The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign!
Are the residents called Fuckers?
And what about the Fucking neighborhood?
What are the mothers called?
What would you be learning at the Fucking High School ?
Where is the Fucking Post Office?
Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?
And the Fucking drivers!
If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend.
Is fishing allowed in the Fucking Lake ?
We had a wonderful time at Fucking.
We stayed in a Fucking chalet!
Fucking needs government funding.
Does anyone care about Fucking?
I didn't believe this was true .. So did an Internet search. It's TRUE!!! Here's more pictures and info ..
Now, this one is really good! The sign says 'Bitte! Nicht so schnell', which in English translates to 'Please! Not so fast!
More tidbits, and it gets even funnier! .... Pronounced 'fooking'. The little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THE FUCKING TOWN. ]]>
"Misers get up early in the morning; burglars, I am informed, get up the night before."
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions."
"He is a sane man who can have tragedy in his heart and comedy in his head."
"Progress should mean that we are always changing the world to fit the vision, instead we are always changing the vision."
"The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him."
"There cannot be a nation of millionaires, and there never has been a nation of Utopian comrades; but there have been any number of nations of tolerably contented peasants."
"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried."
"It's not that we don't have enough scoundrels to curse; it's that we don't have enough good men to curse them."
"The aim of good prose is for the words to mean what they say. The aim of good poetical words is to mean what they do not say."
"Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance."
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Oleksii is a farmer in Alberta . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Saskevan (that would be Saskatchewan for
you non-Ukranians out there).
He drives to Saskevan, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches
under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls.. the cow farts. Oleksii is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to
try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out
however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Oleksii decides
to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Alberta , he calls over his neighbor, Stanislav, and says,
"Hey, Stanislav, come and look at dis here new cow I ust bought. Pull her teat,
and see vat happens."
Stanislav reaches! under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Stanislav looks at Oleksii
and says, "You bought dis here cow in Saskevan, didn't yah?"
Oleksii is very surprised since he hadn't told Stanislav about his trip. Oleksii
replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Stanislav says, "My wife is from Saskevan."
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"The greatest derangement of the mind is to believe in something because one wishes it to be so" ]]>