If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep... You are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace... You are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.

If you woke up this morning with good health you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle unfolding all around you, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of persecution, harassment, arrest, torture, or death... You are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

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At this time of year, there are northerners from places other than Canada trying to mix in in Florida.
You will have to be extra vigilant.
There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Chimo!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.

The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms. In order:

pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government for not working.

mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.)

C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.

beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.

skidoo: Self-propelled tracked decapitation unit for teenagers.

muskeg: Boggy swampland.

duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's french and english.

deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile."

chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians.

Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)

snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)

ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness.

impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills").

S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.

Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front. And back!

toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.

chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)

shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.)

Chimo!: The last sound heard before a Canadian falls over and passes out!

EH!

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When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.

He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."

So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!

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The Committee to Prevent Useful Idiots From Being Elected supports this video

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On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine

On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni

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