In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the next office Christmas party.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I've got a friend; she's got a theory. She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours on end. I think its bollocks.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it's the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments).

Ant invasion.
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent. Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and use the mixture to clean up the mess.

Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long. With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again. Break all his crayons.

Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container. Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home. Burn down their house.

Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included.

Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50- 50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.

Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ...

Brown Rice with Apples

Ingredients:
o 1 cup of brown rice
o 2 cups of apple juice
o 1 tbsp of cinnamon
o 1/2 cup of raisins
o 1 x apple, chopped
o Salt and pepper

Anthony and Kathy married.
Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed.

Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted,
"A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought her a scrambled egg.

Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Why can't I have some variety? I wanted poached this morning!"